PS 635 

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B832 

:ernational Copyrigntea (in EJngland. her Colonie 
Copy 1 States) Edition of the Works of the Best Authors 



No. 367 



DO ME/N GOSSIP? 



A COMEDY IN ONE ACT 



BY 

ORRIN A. BREIBY 



COPYEIGHT, 1920, BY SaMUEL FrENCH 

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. 



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( 



DO /V\E/N GOSSIP? 



A COMEDY IN ONE ACT 



BY 



OREIN A. BREIBY 



COPYKIGHT, 1920, BY SaMUEL FeENCH 



Amateurs may present this play free of 
royalty. All other rights reserved. 



SAMUEL FRENCH 

publisher 

28 — 30 West 38th Street 

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London 

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DO MEN GOSSIP? 



CHARACTERS OF THE PLAY 

Cole A Clubman 

Carr A Clubman 

Jenkins A Clubman (stout) 

Newton Known as the ''Clam'' 

Reed Jenkin's Junior Partner 

Gladys Wynn Reed's Fiancee 

Place: Men's Club on Ladies' Day. 
Time: An Afternoon. 



DO MEN GOSSIP? 



Scene : Double arch entrance in rear wall off right, 
French windows in rear wall off left. Fire- 
place in left wall at front stage. A door in 
right wall front stage. Armchairs, etc., before 
fireplace. Table and chair in center of room. 
A- chair in upper right hand corner. A Jap- 
anese silk folding screen is at front stage near 
fireplace, placed poorly. 

Discovered: Cole seated before fireplace reading 
a magazine. Carr hobbles in from the right 
door and hops to a chair. 

Carr. Confound these ladies' days. 

Cole. What's up ? 

Carr. Forgot. Come out of the gymnasium half 
dressed and bumpted into the president's wife. 

Cole. {Laughs) Displaying your camouflaged 
shape in padded form on the coat, eh ? Tough luck. 

Carr. And so excited that I put on my shoe with 
something in it. {Yanks off shoe and pulls out a 
shoe horn. His toes are seen sticking out of sev- 
eral holes in his sock) Look what was in my shoe. 

Cole. {Glances at sock) I see you've got 
something in your sock also. 

Carr. Humph. {Displays toes) Doesn't your 
wife knit for the soldiers? 

Cole. Does she? {Crosses to Carr and shows 
5 



6 DO MEN GOSSIP? 

him his trousers being held up by suspenders to 
zvhich are attached safety pins and nails instead of 
buttons) 

Carr. You ought to see Jenkins. His under- 
wear looks as if a lown mower ran through it. 
His shirt has but one button. The top — sewed it 
on himself. 

Cole. Nothing on me. Look. (Cole allows 
Carr to look doivn his vest) War sure is hell. (Or 
"Sherman said a mouthfulL") 

Carr. I wish it were over. {As he puts on shoe) 
I understand Jenkins beats his wife. 

Cole. Smith told me he was henpecked. • 

Carr. Jones said by the looks of things he 
wouldn't be surprised if Jenkins got divorced soon. 
— But I don't think he beats his w4fe, do you? 

Cole. Naw. The only thing he beats in that 
house is the carpets. 

Carr. Poor Jenkins. 

(Jenkins enters brusquely.) 

Jenkins. What's the matter with Jenkins? 

Carr and Cole. {Confused) Oh, ah — hello 
Jenkins. 

Cole. We a were just saying 

Jenkins. Bah! Idle gossip — You know what 
gossip did to the First National Bank, don't you ? 

Cole. Started a run on it. Went under, didn't 
it? 

Jenkins. Yes. Gossip is like a tornado. It 
materializes quickly and destroys whatever it hits. 
That's why I never let it bother me. 

Cole. Rather unusual for you to be here this 
time of the day, Jenkins, isn't it? 

Carr. Ladies' day. Cole. 

Jenkins. {To Carr) Rats. {To Cole) Yes, 
it is unusual and here's the reason. Come closer 



DO MEN GOSSIP? r 

you two town criers and get this straight. This 
morning I was telhng Reed, my junior partner, what 
big gossips women were — my wife in particular; 
when in comes Gladys Wynn, his financee, and says 
that men gossip as much as women. 

Carr and Cole. {Greatly surprised) What? 

Jenkins. Fact. Well, that started an argument. 
Now Gladys Wynn is on the local Red Cross Com- 
mittee out to raise fifty thousand dollars. She 
tried to get me for a big sum but I told her that if 
she could prove that men gossiped as much as wo- 
men I would double the amount she herself collected 
for the Red Cross. 

Cole. How can she prove it? 

Jenkins. She's over at the woman's club now- 
hiding behind a screen and taking down notes as 
the women talk. She's due here in {Looks at 
watch) ten minutes and will take down what we say 
from behind that screen which will be placed over 
there. {Upper right hand corner) Then she'll com- 
pare the gossip heard at the w^oman's club with the 
talk heard here and if our talk equals the ladies 
ril be out anywhere from two thousand to ten 
thousand. 

Cole. And we men will have gained a reputa- 
tion. 

Jenkins. Exactly and a nice reputation, too. 
Men gossip — whew — it'll be a calamity. 

Cole. My wife would never give me a minute's 
peace. 

Carr. Nor mine. 

Jenkins. I'd rather be dead. 

Cole. But how can we tell whether Gladys Wynn 
will play fair? 

Jenkins. Arthur Reed is hiding behind the 
screen at the woman's club with her and when she 
comes here he will join us as if nothing were hap- 
pening. So for heaven's sake keep your traps shut 
when he comes in. Talk business but let your 



S DO MEN GOSSIP? 

neighbor's alone. 

Cole. But I say, old man, you're not quite play- 
ing fair to her by warning us, are you? 

Jenkins. Everything's fair where a reputation 
is concerned. 

Cole. Or one's money. Eh ? 

Jenkins. (With an angry glance at Cole) Of 
course I wasn't to have warned you, but I know 
wh^t kind of talk floats around men's clubs and 
candidly I don't relish losing all that money. Of 
course I'll donate a small sum but 

Cole. Yes, I hear you are pretty close fisted 
Jenkins. 

Jenkins. If you were only one-half as close 
mouthed as you think I am close fisted, I wouldn't 
be worrying about my money. 

Carr. That's one on you Cole. 

Jenkins. That applies to you, too. (Carr is 
squelched) But we're losing time. Gladys and 
young Reed were a little afraid that I would warn 
you duffers, and were for my hiding behind the 
screen at the woman's club with them. 

Cole. You got out of it. 

Jenkins. Told them I had to get a shave and 
a turkish bath and advised them to call up the 
barber if they didn't believe me. 

Cole. What if they should? 

Jenkins. The barber is a member of this club. 

Cole. Yes, we get most of our gossip from him. 

Jenkins. He's promised to tell them that I was 
in the turkish bath. 

Cole. But aren't you — ? 

Jenkins. (Pulls out bottle marked bay rum) 
No, I'm not. This bay rum will be enough. (Pours 
some on hair) Doesn't that smell barbary? 

Cole. (Smells) Yes, and rummy, too. You 
sure know how to guard your money. 



DO MEN GOSSIP? 9 

Jenkins. Even as 1 hope you'll guard your 
tongue. (Looks out window) When I see them 
coming I'll sneak down the backway. 

Cole. But what about fixing the screen for. the 
girl to hide behind. 

Jenkins. Reed will attend to that. You know 
he's kind of artistic and on the excuse that that 
screen doesn't look good over there he's going to 
place it over there. (Upper right corner) Then, 
by wavng his handkerchief Gladys Wynn will know 
when to enter. Savy? (Both nod) By George, 
here comes Charles Newton. We won't have time 
to put him wise. (Bus.) Good-bye my money. 

Cole. (Crosses to zvindow) So it is. But you 
don't have to worry about Newton Jenkins. 

Jenkins. No ? 

Cole. Newlon never gossips. Has been a sten- 
ographer so long he doesn't know what his mouth 
is meant for. 

Jenkins. Very encouraging. 

toLE. He's been nicknamed the "clam" be- 
cause he seldom opens his mouth outside of saying 
"How do you do," and "good-night." But gossip? 
Never. He usually spends his time reading or 
writing. 

Jenkins. More and more encouraging. 

(Newton enters.) 

Newton. How do you do, gentlemen. 
Cole and Carr. Hello, Clam. 

(Newton crosses to center table.) 

Jenkins. Nice day, Newton. 

Newton. Is it? (He sits down — -procures pa- 
per and pen and starts to zvrite. Jenkins decides 
to test him again) 



10 DO MEN GOSSIP? 

Jenkins. I understand Felix Hanson wears thin 
underwear all the wear round Newton. 

Newton. Not interested. 

Jenkins. (With a sigh of relief — aside to Carr 
and Cole) I'm sure safe from him. 

Cole. Told you so. — By the way, Jenkins, the 
fellows in the club are anxious to know if your 
daughter is going in the movies. 

Jenkins. You didn't tell them did you? 

Cole. No, I said vou wanted to announce it your- 
self. 

Carr. Jenkins, I hear Fred Jones is after your 
daughter's hand. Do you like him? 

Jenkins. No, I hear that he's capable of doing 
nothing. 

Cole. But have you any objections to Billy 
Simpson? 

Jenkins. Yes, I understand that he's capable of 
doing anything. Speaking of Billy, I understand 
old man Simpson can't put up with his wife. 

Cole. Put up — Oh you mean can? 

Jenkins. No, that's what he wants to do, smarty. 
But say, if you fellows promise not to tell anyone 
I'll tell you something that old man Simpson told me 
about Charley Murphy. He got it straight from 
Hank Mitchell who told him not to let it go any 
further. 

Cole. Shoot. 

Jenkins. Well, Charley Murphy only gets a 
salary of eighteen bucks a week. 

Carr. But he keeps a car. 

Jenkins. I know. How does he do it ? 

Cole. Bluff. Nerve. The family's full of it. 
I know because I played poker there recently. 

Carr. Maybe his wife has a private income. 

Jenkins. Never thought of that. Maybe she 
has. I'll ask Simpson to try and find out. {Looks 
out window) Here comes Gladys Wynn and 



DO MEN GOSSIP? ii 

Arthur Reed now. (Crosses to door) Now for 
Pete's sake cut out the gossip. Get me? 

Cole. Silence will be golden for you today. 

Jenkins. Good. Ta ta. — See you later. 
(Glances at Newton — then departs) 

Cole. The old geeser gossips worse than any of 
us. 

Carr. He sure is afraid of his money. 

Cole. Yes, he's so tight that he took out his 
telephone when a neighbor had one installed. 

(Reed enters.) 

Reed.. Hello, boys. 

Cole and Carr. 'Lo, Reed. 

Reed. (Slaps Newton 07t back) I said, "hello," 
you clam. 

Newton. (Doesn't bother looking up) How do. 

Reed. (Laughs) When you die Newton it will 
be with a paper and pencil in your hand. Sten- 
ographer's force of habit. 

Cole. And a check for funeral expenses in the 
other hand. They say you've got a good bit saved 
up, Newton. 

Newton. Maybe. But rather a check than all 
the bills I know someone's family will have to pay, 
when that someone dies. 

Carr. Ha, that's one more on you. Cole. 

Newton. (To Carr) I meant you. Now let 
me alone. I'm busy. 

Reed. (Looks at screen) That Japanese screen 
gets my goat over there. 

Cole. (Jabs Carr) That so. What's the mat- 
ter with it? 

Reed. Do you call that artistic? 

Cole. Sure. Why not? (Jabs Carr again. 
Harder) 

Reed. I don't. I think it will look much better 
over there. No harm trying. 



12 DO MEN GOSSIP? 

Cole. No, of course not. No harm, eh, Carr? 
(Jabs him very hard) 

Carr. Certainly not. Try it Reed. 

(Reed takes screen to right. Bus. of bumping into 
Newton and also stumbling can be done if de- 
sired. He arranged screen at upper right hand 
corner so that Gladys Wynn can enter from 
archzvay and sit in chair in full view of the au- 
dience but unseen by those on the stage. Reed 
stands off and eyes the screen over. ) 

■ Reed. There, I think that's much better. 

Cole. Never knew you were so artistic Reed. 

Reed. No? Funny, that was once the subject of 
gossip around here. {Looks at screen) I don't 
quite Hke it yet. {Crosses to arch) 

Cole. Oh, don't be so particular. {He tries to 
jab Carr again, but Carr is on his guard and quick- 
ly picks up a book or a derby and holds it so that 
Cole jabs same instead — to his discomfort) 

Reed. Can't help it. {Takes out handkerchief as 
if to blow nose and waves same slyly out archway as 
a signal) 

Cole. Do you flag a train every time you blow 
your nose Reed? {This time he looks at Carr be- 
fore jabbing him) 

Reed. Flag a train? {Looks at handkerchief — 
laughs) Oh,. I see. The handkerchief was creased 
together. (Gladys enters from archway and hur- 
ries behind screen. She has a note-book and pencil 
in her hand. Is dressed in coat and hat. Reed 
turns the rear of the screen to right wall that those 
entering archway do not see Gladys. He does thi^ 
as though he zvere a painter touching up a scene, 
then stands off and eyes it over) There, I guess 
that's about right. Ey, boys? Nifty, isn't it? 

Cole. {Rises and starts to cross to screen) Yes, 



DO MEN GOSSIP? 13 

but I think if you were to turn the screen this 
way 

Reed. (Holds him back) Sit down. What 
does a plumber know about interior decorations? 

Cole. (Protesting) But let me just show you. 

Reed. (Pushes him into chair) Sit down. 

Cole. But, I say 

Reed. Shut up. If you don't like it change it 
when I'm gone. 

Cole. (Makes one more effort to arise) But, 
can't you just 

Reed. (Pushes him back) No, I can't. 

Carr. (Takes cue from Cole, rises) I think it 
will look better 

Reed. (Surprised — then jumps at Carr) Back 
in your box, you jumping jackass. 

Cole. (Seises opportunity, rises again) Bu., 
listen. Reed 

Reed. (Dives at him from Carr and tackles 
him back into chair) Two down — five yards to go. 
(He jumps up and stands in front of screen in box- 
ing position) Now — the first German that hops 
out of his trench — beware of Uncle Sam. 
(Jenkins enters.) 

Jenkins. Hello, boys. (Sees Reed) What's 
the idea? 

Cole and Carr. Hello, old top. 

Carr. Where have you been? 

Jenkins. Just came from the barber. 

Reed. Yes, I called up there a little while ago. 
He said you were having a Turkish bath after get- 
ting shaved. 

Jenkins. Righto. (Sits down) Well, boys^ 
what's what? 

Reed. (Sniffs air — then smells Jenkins' hair) 
Jenkins, the barber has cheated you. (Jenkins 
looks up) Very strong on the bay rum, but mighty 



14 DO MEN GOSSIP? 

weak on the hair comb. {He runs his hand over 
Jenkins' cheeks) And as short on the shave as 
your whiskers are long. — Market it, man — market 
it. You'll make a fortune. 

Jenkins. Market what? 

Reed. That stuff you use to make your hair 
grow so quickly. {Takes Jenkins' hand and forces 
a hand shake) Congratulations, old man — a real 
hair restorer found at last. {Sits down) But come, 
boys, loosen up^what's the gossip ? 

Carr. Gossip ? We never gossip ? 

Cole. I should say not. Do we Jenkins? 

Jenkins. {Triumphantly) Of course not. I've 
always maintained that men never gossip. 

Reed. {Surprised) I thought you fellows knew 
everybody's business? 

Newton. {Finishes writing) There, that let- 
ter's done. {Places letter in envelope, seals it, 
then sticks a stamp on same. Crosses to arch and 
calls boy) Oh, boy. {A boy enters) Mail this 
/etter at once. {Gives boy letter and tip — boy at- 
parts — Newton tur^is to others) Well, gentlemen 
— anything new in the gossip line to-day? (Jen- 
kins looks at him aghast — Carr and Cole sur- 
prised — zvhile Gladys gets ready to jot down notes) 
Didn't you hear me? 

Jenkins. {Perplexed) Ah, yes, yes, yes. No,, 
there's nothing new. 

Newton. Funny, every other day gossip flies as 
thick around here as Jersey mosquitos. What's 
the idea of putting the damper on it now. 

Jenkins. Men never gossip. 

Newton. No? — I'll swear I heard some not a 
little while ago when you and 

Cole. {Quickly) Your dreaming. You were 
busy writing. 

Newton. {After a pause) Say, did you fel- 
lows hear about John Scott ? 



DO MEN GOSSIP? 15 

Jenkins. Not interested. (Turns his back) 

Cole, Nor me. 

Carr. . Ditto here. 

Newton. (To Reed) What about you ? 

Reed. Neutral. 

Newton. Well he's sueing local papers. Want 
to know why? 

Jenkins, Carr and Cole. (Turn about and 
shout) No. 

Newton. Do you? 

Reed. Still neutral. 

Newton. Well, when Scott got married, the 
newspapers published it under the column headed, 
"Odd News Of The Day." (Pause) I hear that 
he and his neighbor are on the outs owing to a scrap 
between their dogs. 

Reed. You don't say. 

Newton. Fact. Their butler told the grocer boy 
who told our janitor who told his wife, who told 
my wife, who told me. — And, oh, I hear Jack Mar- 
tin only pays his wife twelve dollars a week alimony. 
Jones just told me so in the bar room. 

Jenkins. Say, you old hen, if you want to cackle 
go out in the barnyard. We men aren't interested 
in your gossip. 

Newton. But, when you open your mug, every 
jackass here pricks up his ears — don't they? (To 
Cole and Carr) Say, boys — speaking of the 
phone — Jenkins took it out of his house when a 
neighbor had one installed. (Bus. here of Jenkins 
eyeing Cole and Carr) Did you know that Phil 
Logan J^ad a phone installed on his roof ? 

Reed. But, he can't use it there. 

Newton. Neither can his neighbors. 

Jenkins. Say — who the Honolulu nicknamed 
you "The Clam?" 

Newton. Oh, I've been known as that for years 
and years. 



i6 DO MEN GOSSIP? 

Jenkins. Then you big lumbering victrola, why 
don't you hve up to your name? 

Newton. Because the silence that is golden for 
others has made me unpopular. I came here day 
after day, never opening my mouth while everyone 
of you fellows gossiped like washwomen. That 
seems to be the popular thing in men's clubs so I've 
decided to go to it — strong. 

Jenkins. I'd like to go to you. (Clenches fist) 
Men never gossip — you know that. 

Newton. Your right. When men gossip they 
call it topics. — And that reminds me, want to hear 
the latest topic that's going the rounds? It's about 
Gladys Wynn. 

(Cole and Carr whistle in surprise — Gladys be- 
hind screen is astonished — Jenkins and Reed 
rise. ) 

Jenkins. If you tell it, I'll break your neck. 

Reed. (Pushes Jenkins aside) And if you 
don't — ril break your neck. What about Gladys 
Wynn ? 

Newton. Why — ah — nothing. 

Jenkins. Of course not. 

Reed. What topic is going the rounds about 
Gladys Wynn? 

Jenkins. Let him alone. Reed. 

Reed. You shut up. This is my affair. (Takes 
Newton by coat collar) Now tell me. 

Newton. (Yanks himself free) You big simp, 
I know you are engaged to that doll- faced ninny — 
but rm not afraid of you. Believe me if the gossip 
I hear is true I'd be ashamed to admit that I went 
with her. 

Reed. (Rushes at Newton but is held back by 
Carr and Cole) Apologies at once or I'll — ■- — 



DO MEN GOSSIP? 17 

Newton. Bah ! I'll meet you to-morrow In the 
gymnasium, but I think you'll thank me instead 
when I tell you that she was seen coming out of a 
restaurant at two in the morning, with a man. 

Reed. (Makes a rush for him — but is held back) 
You big 

(Gladys utters a scream, knocks down screen and 
confronts the men.) 

Gladys. Arthur don't touch him. It's true. 
Reed. (Falls back horrified) What? Good 

God 

Gladys. The man I was seen commg out of a 
restaurant at two in the morning with was 

Reed. Her father. 

(All are amazed. Gladys takes Reed's ayid New- 
ton's hands and joins them.) 

Gladys. Don't you understand, dear? The story 
was made up between Mr. Newton and myself as a 
joke. He never gossips. You know that. 

Jenkins. He doesn't gossip? Why he's worse 
than a washwoman, a maid, a butler and 

Newton. Yourself combined, eh? — That gossip 
of mine was also a joke. 

Jenkins. (After recovering from his great sur- 
prise) Well, this is great. So I don't lose. (To 
Gladys) Did you hear any gossip at the woman's 

club? , ^^ 

Gladys. Yes. a great deal. (Gets note-book) 
Jenkins. But the only gossip you heard here 
was what Newton said and that you know was 
faked? (Gladys nods) Ahem— then I don't have 
to double the amount you collected for the Red 
Cross? 



i8 DO MEN OGSSIP? 

Gladys. Apparently not. 

Jenkins. I told you we men never gossiped. 
{Pulls out check-hook — sits at table while Newton 
crsess to rear arch) But of course I'll give you a 
good-sized check, anyway. 

Newton. {To hoy off-stage) Oh, boy. {Boy 
enters) Give me that letter I told you to mail a 
little while ago. {Boy gives him letter — exits) 

Jenkins. {As he starts to write) How will 
five hundred do? 
. Gladys. Why — thank you, I guess 

Jenkins. Fine. Five hundred then. {Starts to 
write ) 

Newton. One minute, Jenkins. (Jenkins 
looks up) Before Miss Wynn and Reed came in, 
you three fellows held a mighty interesting conver- 
sation while I was writing this letter. {Tears it 
open) I'll read it to you. {Reads) "I under- 
stand Billy Simpson can't put up with his wife." 
*'You mean can?" ''No, that's what he wants to 
do, smarty." {The three men are dumfounded) "I 
understand Felix Hanson wears thin underwear all 
the year round." (Newton glances at them to see 
effect then resumes) "If you fellows promise not 
to tell anyone, I'll tell you something that old man 
Simpson told me about Charley Murphy who got 
it straight from Hank Hitchell, that Charley Mur- 
phy only gets a salary of eighteen^dollars a week." 
*'But he keeps a car." "I played poker there once 
and know how he can bluff." (To Jenkins) 
Want to hear any more of the Gossip I took down ? 
(Jenkins hoils in rage) 

Gladys. Why, that's exactly what your wife was 
talking about at the woman's club. {Opens note- 
book) Want to hear it? 

Jenkins. {Roars) No. {To Newton) You 
villain. 

Newton. No, not a villain. Just chairman of 



DO MEN GOSSIP? 19 

the local Red Cross Society out to raise the fifty- 
thousand. {Pats Jenkins on his hack) Now, be 
a good sport and make out your check. — How much 
is it, Miss Wynn? 

Gladys. I collected four thousand. That makes 
eight thousand dollars. 

Newton. Thank you. {To Jenkins) Did you 
hear. Eight thousand. Not five hundred. 

Jenkins. Bah! {Writes check rapidly and gives 
it to Gladys) 

Gladys . Oh, thank you very, very much. That 
makes a total of seventy-two thousand so far. 
Twenty-two thousand above expectations. Aren't 
you glad? 

(Jenkins grunts.) 

Jenkins. {Rises — takes Gladys' hands) Yes, 
I am glad. It's for a good cause. I — ah — played a 
little unfair and I guess I got what was coming to 
me. I certainly don't begrudge it. 

Gladys. So we thought. You know all is fair 
in love, war and charity. 

Newton. Oh, Jenkins, before I forget it, let 
me tell you that the barber you went to is vice- 
president of the local Red Cross, while Mr. Cole 
over there is the treasurer and Mr. Carr the secre- 
tary. {They all laugh at Jenkins who is flab- 
bergasted. Newton sits at table) Now, please let 
me alone while I write to the Syracuse Red Cross 
at once and tell them that the scheme worked great. 
They're the ones who put us wise, Jenkins. — 
{Smiles) Men do gossip, don't they, Jenkins. 

Jenkins. It cost me eight thousand to be con- 
vinced. 

Newton. Yes — and it's going to cost some other 
chaps a great deal more. {To Gladys) Miss 



20 DO MEN GOSSIP? 

Wynn, the next ones I want you to get into an ar- 
gument with are the two wealthiest members of the 
Elks Club and the Masons. We ought to get more 
than eight thousand out of each, don't you think? 
(Substitute Elks mid Masons with the leading men's 
club in city where playlet is booked.) 

Curtain. 



